Fuori di Testa
by HardlyWorking
Summary: Because people underestimate the importance of pants and a vital part of the universe just snapped.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Fuori di Testa

**Summary: **Because people underestimate the importance of pants and a vital part of the universe just snapped.

**Rating:** T

**Pairing:** N/A

**Disclaimer:** Katekyo Hitman Reborn © Amano Akira

* * *

**Prologue**

An ordinary day in Namimori was…Ehem. Let's rephrase that. The _last _ordinary day in Namimori was… roughly two weeks ago, in an era of peace and quiet and normalcy that was doomed to die tragically with the arrival of Certain Unspeakable Things.

Let's start with the issue of pants. Not that shirts aren't just as important as a mandatory piece of innocence protecting equipment, but only that pants are slightly more necessary in order to prevent some rather, ah, _particular _unwanted issues from arising – issues that may, or may not involve the losing of one's virtue or a completely justified misunderstanding that ends with someone jailed for crimes you'd rather not know.

Thus, with the aid of these supportive details, one Fujikage Rin decided that there was an extra law of the universe that stood right up there with Newton's Laws of Physics – one she thereby dubbed the Law of You-Shall-Wear-Pants.

Very original, we know. But the point is, the Law of You-Shall-Wear-Pants was a major component of the universe and, like Newton's Laws, breaking them would bring about terrible misfortune to those surrounding the one who committed the forbidden act.

With this information in hand, you can easily see why Rin saw her perfect future crash and burn the moment one Sawada Tsunayoshi decided to strip and confess his undying love in his boxers.

Rin saw with her own eyes as things began to get stranger and stranger and all of a sudden she was stripped of her place as the school's number one academically advanced student. Her soul took a brief vacation that day, returning only after the announcement that Gokudera Hayato was a foreign Italian genius that had an absolutely unfair advantage over her in the subject of English along with an oversized brain and years of rich people afforded tutoring amongst other things so of _course _he can top her academically.

She had nodded to herself, confident that the stripping of her pride as number one had effectively countered the case of the breaking of the fourth law and the matter was done and over with.

But she was wrong. Sawada Tsunayoshi was not at all finished.

While she was busy taking the most extreme measures to restore herself to her rightful throne of first place, Sawada Tsunayoshi saw it necessary to break the Law of You-Shall-Wear-Pants at least _five times _in the time span of one week.

Her immortal soul very nearly vanished for good this time (She kind of wished it had, as a matter of fact. It would have spared her immortal eyes from the heavy mental scarring that proceeded to follow).

Following those incidents came the most outrageous occurrences that seemed to involve dynamite (Was that Gokudera Hayato? Could she report this? Would that dirty his record? Not that she needed such an advantage over him or anything, no, of course she wasn't just a bit of a sore loser and she totally wasn't out to get him…) a suicide attempt and various other things that appeared explosive and mildly dangerous yet invisible to the human eye.

"Err…Fujikage-san?"

Fujikage Rin blinked and turned to the speaker with a straight face that in no way implied she had just been thinking about the importance of pants and the 4th law of the universe.

"Yes?" She mildly inquired. The person talking to her was a male classmate. It was the time period before class starts with about ten minutes to spare, and perfectly normal for such occurrences in daily life. Rin mentally reveled in the normalcy and started performing virtual sacrifices to imaginary lords in an effort to win over some luck and maintain what had so far been a relatively good day.

"Can you…move over a desk? Since, we, well, kind of need some more room…" He trailed off awkwardly.

Rin blinked. Ah, that explained his embarrassed-looking friend standing nearby who was very uncomfortable asking her of this favor. How cute.

She stood up and trotted off nimbly, sighing to herself as her seat was taken and there was no place left for her in the room. What a pain. She needed somewhere else to hang out now, at the risk of looking sad and lonely, something utterly unacceptable in today's society. She walked off, sighing under her breath.

Her classmates weren't bad people. They were very nice to her, as a matter of fact.

Though Gokudera Hayato held the position of number one (That will change with the coming of the next exam, she swore), Fujikage Rin was still one of the most respected students in the school. Obviously, this was for the purpose of mooching off her for homework aid.

Rin exited the classroom.

* * *

Walking down the hall was so comforting. The simple nostalgia of her footsteps against the smooth, polished floor (courtesy of the Discipline Committee no doubt), the familiarity of the hallways and the substantial feeling of belonging as she—

"What?! You're after becoming the Tenth's right hand man," yelled a voice down the hall. _I hear nothing. Nothing at all. _

Insert straight face.

Walking by Sawada Tsunayoshi instantly triggered memories of him running around in boxers and extinguishing dynamite which Gokudera had used to _try and kill him with_ roughly two days ago (she had remained afterschool to deal with Certain Unspeakable Matters that day and had the misfortune to walk by the window at the precise moment in which Gokudera dropped down on his knees and paid homage to him right there in broad daylight—seconds after trying bring about his gruesome death. She wasn't confused in the least).

Halfway down the hall and a reasonably safe distance from the harbinger of sudden and unreasonable payings of homage, Rin does not acknowledge the existence of what appeared to be a young cow child making his way to sure demise in the form of the innocent looking creature with the fluffiest brown hair imaginable.

Rin repeated her daily mantra devised to repel the contagious insanity that seemed to be spreading throughout the school.

_I see nothing. I hear nothing. There is not a suspicious hole in the hallway filled with guns and coffee that I for some reason know about. Sawada Tsunayoshi does not exist. Gokudera does not carry dynamite around. Yamamoto is not a serial killer/ninja assassin/psychotic mastermind. Hibari Kyoya is not walking this way in all his ice princely murderous grace—_ hold up.

Hibari actually _was _striding his way over in all his murderous grace and students parted like the red sea to avoid crowding him in any conceivable way. Rin was included as she ever so valiantly joined them in trying to become one with the wall (she felt that the wall for some reason hated her in particular because today of all days the spot she chose was bumpy and scratchy and ohmygod what is that strange liquid and what on earth was the janitor doing?).

Needless to say, everyone watched with baited breaths as the highly underestimated Harbinger of Unwarranted Homage/Gallant and Stupid Breaker of the Fourth Law met with the not-quite-reveled-but-more-like-unhealthily-feared Majestic Owner of the Absolute Glare of God.

The confrontation began, the air froze, the students trembled, time seemed to stop, and after approximately five grueling seconds of high blood pressure and hyperventilation later...

Majestic Owner of the Absolute Glare of God: 1

Harbinger of Unwarranted Homage/Gallant and Stupid Breaker of the Fourth Law: 0

What lovely, un-life-threatening daily entertainment. Rin was starting to get the absolutely ridiculous and irrational impression that the universe just didn't like her.

She mentally snorted at herself. Now what were the chances of that? Time unfroze and students resumed their activities while Rin arrived at the girls' washroom.

Assessing herself in the mirror and adjusting the bothersome white ribbon that served as a headband (One must look smart if one wants to be valedictorian even if it calls for unnecessary and annoying hair accessories) Rin nodded to herself and decided that her steel blue hair looked no worse than usual (she swore it was the exact shade of blue that appeared on dead fish. _Oh the horror._ The strange metallic shine does not help her case in the least).

On her way back after her trip to the toilet, Rin pauses to look out the window. _It's a nice day, _she thinks, the ever naive and optimistic fool because that is the most horrible idea one can ever have. _I wonder if after school I can go out and pick some herb-_

And suddenly, karma strikes with all the force of an enraged Buddha out for revenge.

Rin stumbled and nearly fell and lost her balance as the hallway _quaked and shook and trembled _as a result of after-explosion shock waves and something in the courtyard began emitting _pink smoke _that was followed by a very sporadic summoning of _thunderclouds _(which mysteriously vanished soon after) and _lightening _which just so happened to strike the _exact place _where the pink smoke was coming from.

Rin had no words to offer when following that was a grown man in a cow print shirt running away crying in a manner bearing suspicious resemblance to the cow child from earlier. She just stood. And _stared. _And was struck with the most horrifying thought in her attempts to rationalize the current events and remain in denial.

Was this because of that incident with the temple's holy statue that one time? It was a complete accident and totally not her fault that she knocked over the incense and melted the statue slowly and painstakingly. (Now that she thinks about it, the way the paint had dripped seemingly transformed the statue into a forbidding-looking and still melting red-eyed chubby monk wearing the Sacred Scowl of Disapproval. Had that been a sign?)

Perhaps.

The former realist and valedictorian candidate who once had a straight and unbendable backbone had just used vengeful buddha statues in an attempt to delude herself.

How the mighty have fallen.

Rin tore her eyes away from the sight and dismissed all thoughts of imminent doom before hurriedly making her way to the safety of her psycho-free, karma-free, Sawada Tsunayoshi-free classroom as explosions and cryings echoed in the courtyard.

_I saw nothing. NOTHING._

* * *

**End Prologue **


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: **Fuori di Testa

**Summary: **Because people underestimate the importance of pants and a vital part of the universe just snapped.

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Katekyo Hitman Reborn © Amano Akira

* * *

**Meeting with Madness**

As preparation for her future career as a great doctor who was not insane in the least, part of Rin's daily schedule included being the substitute nurse during lunch break hours and after school. It was good experience and the worst that's happened so far was some idiot getting an infection after splintering his fist by attempting to punch down an oak tree in a test of extremeness (apparently, he had succeeded. Rin didn't know whether to pat him on the back, or throw a medical encyclopedia in his face).

That was last week.

Today, during her lunch break volunteer hours, Rin gets the great satisfaction of offering up her most professional blank face and nearly spilling her tea when Sawada Tsunayoshi and Yamamoto Takeshi enter while carrying the unconscious body of Gokudera Hayato—who appeared to be on the verge of death. Not that anyone cares. Really.

_Holy SHIT. _She calmed herself. She's got this. No worries. None at all.

_You can do this!_ _Just fake it like your life depends on it! _

"Ahaha! Hey," Yamamoto addresses her. Rin gives him the professional bland nod. Her tactics seem to be working. She hasn't run away screaming yet. "Is the nurse here?"

Rin shook her head, and gave herself a last _You can do it! _before taking a mental deep breath and preparing to dive head first into interaction with the chaos.

"She's on a short vacation…or something." Rin hadn't seen the nurse in a while and frequently wondered if she was killed or kidnapped or terrorized into quitting her job to make room for some kind of hitman. The part of her thinking this is also the part of her brain that insists she's haunted by a vengeful monk.

"I'm the substitute." Rin gets up from her chair and abandons her cup of tea for a brief second as Sawada and Yamamoto place the poor unconscious silverhead on the bed.

As they plunk him down, Rin whips out a thermometer (still with all the professional blandness of a young, up and coming doctor that hid the inner hyperactive squirrel that was going crazy in the back of her mind), and her personal first aid kit as she starts assessing the patient. The not-baby (what baby carried guns around? Rin didn't know about the rest of the student population, but she sure as hell wasn't blind and water guns don't cause smoke and fire and spontaneous stripping) looks in her direction.

"Ciaosuu." IT talked to her. IT was _talking to her. _"Pleased to meet you, Fujikage Rin. My name is Reborn."

Not at all perturbed by the fact that the IT person knew who she was, Rin nodded again and checked Gokudera's temperature. It was mostly fine—A little high, mild fever, nothing major. The problem was the stomach if the groans were anything to go by.

Rin frowned. "Yamamoto-san?"

"Ahaha! Call me Yamamoto! We're classmates," (Not technically, no, just going to the same school) "And it feels weird otherwise!"

Rin nodded. She seems to be doing lots of nodding today.

"Right. Can you go boil some water please? I need to make some medicine," she says, flipping open her first aid kit and ignoring the IT person that stared on curiously.

"Sure!"

Now, as a logical human being, Rin was going through a difficult and highly important process within her mind that was known as Thinking. What is she thinking about, you ask? Well, for starters, there is the Problem.

The Problem was that Gokudera Hayato didn't just have any stomachache – he appeared to have the king of all stomachaches combined with a scandal with a peasant woman who already bore three children to said king's brother who was the ruler of an opposing kingdom who was going to declare war in three days' time who had a wife who was enraged and demanding the peasant's head on a platter, but was in love with the king so had to respect his wishes and instead resorted to making a baby with the peasant's sister's son who was five years younger and…

Basically, it was one hell of a stomachache.

But that wasn't the main Problem—of course not, who cares that Gokudera's in pain ("Urrggg.""Gokudera-kun!") and suffering ("Ju—Juudaimei…""Hang in there!") and dying ("…""GOKUDERA-KUN!""Shut up, Dame-Tsuna.")?

The main problem was that at this rate, Gokudera was going to be in her clinic all the way 'till about midnight or at worse, tomorrow morning! What in the world did he do to himself to cause such an outrageously, dare she say it, _extreme _stomachache?

And so, because Rin didn't want to be the involuntary company of an unconscious bomber terrorist for hours and hours and hours after her shift is over, she is now resorting to her precious self-developed creepy tea formulas in an effort to escape what would undeniably be a disastrous and possibly life-threatening evening. (Shut up. She's a certified physician and has an online medical degree to prove it. And before you ask, she totally did not spend her childhood locked up in a dark room with nothing better to do and a set of typical high-expectation parents and…and…Just leave her alone, jeez!)

"Umm…"

Rin sipped her tea as they waited for Yamamoto to return. Calm. Peace. Quiet. (Gokudera: "Ugghhh…..Urgg….Bleckkk…") Wonderful, wonderful weather. Nice scenery, too.

"E—eto…"

How long was lunch break anyway? Hm.

Sip. Sip. Pause. Sip.

Meanwhile, as Rin calmly stared out the window and became a frightfully accurate representation of Yamato Nadeshiko, Sawada Tsunayoshi squirmed and fidgeted and twiddled his thumbs until Reborn all but smashed a serving tray on his head.

"Reborn!" He shrieked, rubbing his head and glaring (fail.) at the infant. Said infant scowled.

"You were taking too long." He states, deadpan.

"W—What are you talking abou—hiiieee…" The waving gun was apparently an effective tool of manipulation as Tsuna paled and turned to Fujikage Rin with the proper motivation to start a conversation instead of awkwardly watching her sip tea over his friend's comatose body.

"Fujikage-san!" That came out a bit high. And girly. It was as though he was being molested when he yelled that. "So…You're the substitute nurse here?" He says, all high pitched and girlishly adorable. It was almost enough to fool Rin into believing he was not the one who made Mochida bald.

In her head, she counts to three. Then, "Yes."

"A—Ah, I see…"

Annnnnnd, we're back to where we started.

Reborn sighs. "Dame-Tsuna…" His student is hopeless.

Right before what looked like the beginning of a horror story (Rin didn't need to be a genius to know that the little infant was going to do something indescribably terrible to the poor brunette) Yamamoto appears and saves the day.

"Fujikage! I've got the water!" He says, opening the door and handing her a cup of nice, boiling, weapon of pain inflection. The fishy-haired and rather questionable doctor accepts the cup with a quick thanks and takes a couple vials of…stuff, from her first aid kit—which was starting to seem increasingly suspicious.

Reborn watched with mildly concealed interest as the water turned from blue to yellow to a rather pale shade of peach.

Tsuna openly gawked. Was that really medicine? He swore that something in one of those vials had _moved_…

Yamamoto, on the other hand, did his usual and laughed.

"Ahaha! Wow, Fujikage! I didn't know you could do that!"

Rin shrugged and stopped stirring the smoking concoction as Tsuna stammered a little and eyed the thing as though it were poison. Rin raised an eyebrow.

"Don't worry," she reassures the high-strung brunette. "It won't harm him." Probably. Gokudera will be just fine. "Can you guys sit him up? I need to make him drink this."

"O—Okay!"

"Sure thing!"

Five minutes later found the group of three plus one baby listening to Gokudera's tragic past with reactions varying from shock to WTF to open laughter and a pat on the back that nearly caused the patient to choke.

_You cannot be serious. _

And Rin is confirmed of her suspicions that Gokudera is a terrorist and Yamamoto is secretly psychotic and Tsuna is, well, the Harbinger of Unwarranted Homage and then some. Now, she steps away slowly with her cup of tea (which she nearly spit out mid-story) and sits herself down in a little corner to mentally cry and conjure up an image of herself curled up in fetal position wondering why the baby was looking at her like a piece of meat.

* * *

Rin was a smart girl.

She obeyed the rules. She ignored the madness. She took special care to take shelter and hide in her classroom whenever any of Sawada Tsunayoshi's friends are in ten meter radius. She heads home like a good girl and locks herself in her apartment for all hours after school. Yet somehow, the insanity keeps following her.

The mother cue of all cues for Rin to escape to another continent and/or planet was when she's three steps from her apartment door and she catches sight of Gokudera Hayato making his way upstairs with huge boxes covered in little skulls and danger signs while smelling of gunpowder.

After a good five seconds of unabashed staring, Rin robotically opens her door and then slams it shut as she enters a state of what-the-actual-fuck induced numbness, dropping herself onto her couch and wondering what the world was coming to because _Gokudera was in her apartment complex and the world was ending._ There should be earthquakes and thunder any second now.

Suddenly, there was a pop and a bang and an explosion and smoke started coming from the general direction of Gokudera Hayato's room (which was roughly three doors from her's. Holy shit).

Rin's catatonic shock phase was interrupted by the irrational urge to smack her head on a wall. Repeatedly. For about three hours straight, or at least until she can make herself amnesic. It was at times like these she imagines herself looking up at the heavens and yelling "Why does the universe hate me?" and proceeding to wait patiently for a reply—wait, never mind, she did that in reality, too, in a sort of a under-the-breath groan of despair.

Somehow, it was as though the silence was laughing at her.

A bottle of brandy forced onto her by her ever so loving and very much insane teacher peeped out at her from the top kitchen drawer. Rin glared at it as though it had done her personal offense.

"I _don't_ need you."

The bottle sparkled cheerfully in response. Rin's glass cup seemed to want in, and joined the brandy in taunting her with silent laughter and unfair sparkle powers.

"…" _Please die._

Considering the murder of inanimate objects. What a wonderful life.

* * *

**Reviews would be lovely :)**


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